To say that 1996 into 1997 was one of the best and also one of the worst years of my life would be fair. This is a really difficult period to write about but it is a major part of the story. It is something that I procrastinated writing about because it still hurts. I hope that getting these next few years out of my mind will help heal some of the pain that lingers in me. Jamie and I always say, the things we went through are what brought us to where we are now. We truly believe that we would not be where we are without what we have been through with each other. So here comes the rain.
During the time that I had spent with Jamie in Alva for the summer we knew that we were going to keep in touch, that was never going to be an issue. Little did I know though, I had just acquired the best pen pal alive. Jamie was so dedicated to writing to me that it compelled me to always return the letters. This was when email was just becoming popular, 10 cent/min international phone calls didn’t exist and instant messaging was just being created so, how did we become such good friends without the modern conveniences that we take for granted now a days? With patience… a lot of patience.
When the letters started coming they just didn’t stop. When Jamie sent me something it was not just one letter but several at a time,each were pages long letters. They were full of nothing and everything, thoughts and dreams, memories and plans for the future and they were everything to me. I would read and re-read these letters. I began to write back and this is when things really started happening between us.
After a while we got email going. I was personally terrified of the computer especially the Internet. I thought I would hit the wrong button and be stuck somewhere and lose my soul. Hahaha, but seriously I was daunted by the thought of email. I couldn’t even figure out how to work my email at Penn State, how was I going to talk to Jamie in Scotland? At the time thankfully I had a family account that my Mom set up for us. I didn’t really need to think about it much so because my Mom would call out “Heath, you have an email from Jamie” when I got a message. I would rush in and read it and smile and wish I could talk to him more often. With trepidation, I began to look for these emails myself, when I woke up, when I got home from class and right before I went to bed. I looked forward to these emails like they were attached to my next breath. We spent hours and hours talking. I missed meals and Jamie missed sleep but nothing really seemed to matter. We wanted to spend as much time together as we could manage and we made it happen.
I am not sure how it happened but we decided that one day we were going to have a conversation using the computer… unheard of! We sat down at a designated time and started sending one or two line emails to each other and then waiting…waiting… waiting for a response from the other. We got really good at this. There were times when the conversation would split into two or three topics in various emails but we managed to keep up and even make each other laugh. We talked about mundane things like how was our day, what happened in class and did we see any good movies? We also talked about our moon (the way we could still feel connected) and our last kiss. Then something new got invented, or at least loaded onto my computer… ICQ…instant messaging. When it worked it was amazing but on a whole it a mess! The “instant messaging” was more of a frustration than waiting ages for an email reply. Having bugs was an understatement. We were old pros at talking when we wanted to so we would often give up on ICQ and go back to emails.
After several months I realized I was spending more time with Jamie then I was with my friends in the States. Then it happened, one night when we were discussing grand ideas for what our futures would hold and where we would be he said it, I knew it was coming, I knew it would crush me and I knew I wanted it… he said “I love you.” I exhaled and began to weep. I wanted to be loved so badly by someone so amazing but he was a million miles away and things were so hard. It didn’t seem to make a difference though. He gave me butterflies and he made me think about things differently, I was totally in love and totally confused.
Our conversations had to turn serious at some point. I had it in the works to go to Glasgow University for a year long study abroad. He was not originally in my plans, I had my mind wrapped up in other things and I couldn’t see how he could fit in, even though I wanted him to. What would happen with us? Would we stay friends? Well, it got hard…very very hard. I was young and living in the land of romance novels and greener grass, or just plain stupid. However you look at it, I didn’t use my head because I had lost my heart to another idea before Jamie told me he loved me and before I had fallen for him. I was about to break my best friends heart and my own. x heather